


Short and Suicidal

by boppitybelle



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Falling In Love, Gay, Love, M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-25
Updated: 2015-03-25
Packaged: 2018-03-19 14:33:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3613533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boppitybelle/pseuds/boppitybelle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren finally finds himself free of his hometown, and starts his new, openly-gay life. Without realizing it, he falls for the good looks of his straight, sex-addicted neighbor, Levi. What he doesn't notice, is that Levi's life is crumbling around him and struggles to keep himself alive. After saving him from suicide, the two slowly become closer, and Eren realizes how hurt and confused Levi is. But why? Does it have something to do with why he attempted to kill himself?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Short and Suicidal

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first AU, so please try and ignore the flaws. I plan to do lots more in the future, so I would appreciate some feedback. Thank you so much for reading :)

I knew I recognized the haircut, but it almost seemed like it couldn’t be him. Honestly though, who else could curtain their hair and pull it off?

I watched him stare down the yellow line in front of him as if willing it to get up and fight him. His eyes were giving it the same look he gave me whenever we passed each other accidentally in the morning on our ways to work.

You see, he was my neighbor. And he didn’t seem to care about privacy, evident as he skipped the step of installing curtains on his apartment’s windows. Instead, as I would get ready for bed on a Saturday night in my new apartment, I could see him tackle girls (who he probably didn’t even know the birthdays of) in bed.

I shook the image of his love life from my head, bringing myself back into the present world. After all, I couldn’t even find myself a boyfriend in this new city, so I should be worried about myself before him and his love issues.

I glanced up at the clock to see that the train was scheduled to arrive in two minutes. Though I knew interfering with such an intimidating guy could end up as me with a black eye, I was concerned about his intentions. 

His gaze moved back and forth along the warning line, like he was testing to see if one place would be better than another. 

I could feel every second tick by, nervously watching him from my place on a bench. My throat was dry with fear. I looked around to see if anyone else noticed what he was planning. 

Forty seconds, I thought. 

He unbuttoned his black peacoat, revealing a gray tee shirt. He tossed the jacket aside, knowing he wouldn’t need it anymore. My toes curled up in my shoes in apprehension. 

Should I make my move now? Will I be able to live with myself if I don’t?

A couple people looked up from their phones when they heard the coat hit the concrete, but no one seemed to care much.  
The train was coming soon, I could hear it zoom closer. Finally, seeing him shuffle his feet forward toward the yellow line just switched something on in my brain. 

I leapt up from my seat, calling out, “Hey, stop!” since I didn’t know what else to say.

When he kept moving toward the tracks, and the screeching of the train was drowned out by the thumping of my heart, I raced forwards in a full-out sprint, shoving other people, who were waiting, aside.

My hand wrapped around his upper arm, tugging him backwards as his black wingtips almost stepped off into his own oblivion.  
I had pulled with too much force, and he fell back into my lap. We both tumbled backwards, as the train screeched past, slowing into a stop. 

He didn’t move for a second, his eyes still following the train as it stopped. My hands were still grasping at his muscled arms, squeezing a little too tight in fear he’d try and do something else.

A few people walked up to us, asking things like, “Are you alright?” and, “What happened?” 

Idiots, I thought, seconds ago you didn’t care what was happening to him.

My neighbor, though small, proved his strength when he shoved me away and got to his feet. 

“You little shit,” he growled, recovering quickly and walking to his jacket in sharp movements. I could barely hear his gruff voice over the train, but it was still somewhat audible. Loud enough for just me to hear. He swiped the heavy black cloth off the ground, giving it a mourning look, like hitting the subway ground was the end of it’s days on his back. 

He turned back for a second. Just seeing his scary eyes made my heart clench. Instead of thanking me, he paced forward and connected his smaller-than-average fist with my cheek.

My head was jerked to the side and my mouth dropped open. I almost cried out in pain, but I held back.

The tiny man then stomped off, getting swallowed up in the crowd that had just exited the train he wanted to hit him. 

My heart was still beating hard in my chest, and I didn’t know if it was because everything that just happened was so fast and terrifying, or because his steely eyes and quick-temper had turned me on.

It took me a second to get up, but when I realized I would be late for work, I forced my body to stand and get on the train. My mind flashed with the images of him going down on girl after girl, a new one every week. 

Did someone break his heart? I wondered, rubbing my quickly bruising cheek and trying to come up with whatever made him think that it was his time to go.

I couldn’t stop thinking about him throughout my work day. 

My job was as an assistant to a company’s president. Though it was hard most of the time, I enjoyed the rare occasion of working with clients. 

Since I didn’t get to do that today, and my neighbor was constantly on my mind, I was glad when the day was finally over. My boss noticed something was wrong as I packed my bag to go home. I could tell he, along with other people in the office, silently regarded my big bruise. 

”Eren, what’s on your mind?” he asked. 

”Just wondering why people choose to end their lives, instead of working through problems,” I told Mr. Pixis, who was wrinkled and bald with age. He was still approachable though, and that’s probably why he was promoted to president. 

His hand squeezed my shoulder in a friendly manner. “Focus on you own thoughts, Eren. Let other people live, or die, in their own way,” he said. 

My stomach dropped as my mind reminded me of the look of terror-slash-anger on my neighbor’s face. A look I had never seen on anyone before. A look that I now realized, said, ‘I never wanted to be saved’. Maybe I should have let him jump. Just one more step forward and whatever pain he was feeling would have been— 

”Eren you want to go out drinking?” A coworker cut off my thoughts and I realized Pixis had already walked off. 

”No, I can’t,” I replied, though a drink would really help me out right now. Even though I had just turned 21 last month, I had already learned how relieving drinking could be. I did kind of want to go, but I had more important things to do. 

Realizing it would be faster, I took a taxi home. I quickly dropped off my bag at my apartment and put some of my sister, Mikasa’s, chocolate chip cookies in Saran Wrap. Though she was the same age as me, she had already settled down with a man in the military. They decided to get married at the early age of 19 when they found out he was being deployed. She now lives by herself and tends to bake and box as often as possible. 

I changed from my slacks and button down into jeans and a long-sleeved shirt and rushed to the apartment complex next to mine. I knew his name was Levi, since people in building had told me to watch out for him. I looked through the mailboxes until I found his name. I wrote the apartment number next to it on my palm and found myself at his door. 

Feeling bad for everything that happened, I knocked hesitantly. I was worried about him, but also very scared of him. Maybe Mikasa’s baking would be the perfect peace offering. 

I hadn’t originally expected him to be home, so when I heard someone move around inside, I felt my stomach twist into knots and my fingers grip the cookies harder. 

”What?” he called from inside in an unbothered tone. 

”Um,” I began, “Levi? My name is Eren, I live in the apartments next door.”

”You?” It wasn’t exactly angry, it was more like I had finally peaked his interest. “The pervert who watches me have sex through the window?” Never mind, hewas mad. I heard footsteps getting closer and the lock being messed with. 

The short, suicidal man pulled the door open with such force, it scared me.

”Wait,” he demanded. I could see his eyes cloud and his brows knit together in thought. He finally made the connection. “You’re the same guy who fucking stopped me.” His hands balled up into fists, but I could see a sort of relief in his eyes. 

”I’m really sorry,” I mumbled. “I know it was your choice to make, but I just couldn’t act like I didn’t see you,” I explained desperately, my voice wavering as his eyes pierced through me. He had once looked like he wanted to smash me into ground meat, but, I noticed, after my apology finally reached him, his stare softened. 

”Levi…” a woman called flirtatiously from inside his pristine apartment. 

”One second, Zoë,” he responded. Finally, instead of glaring into my soul, he took in my appearance and let his lips curl into a smirk. That was the first time I had ever seen him remotely smile. After staring at me as if he could eat me, he reached out for the gift in my hands. 

”I’ll get you for what you did, you little shit,” he said, snatching the platter of cookies. Once again, the three words strung together to make an insult made my heart drop. 

The door was slammed in my face, making my ears hurt for a second. 

No matter how rude he is, I thought, I can’t get over how beautifully fragile he looks when he lets his guard down. 

My green eyes flitted around, trying to grasp the situation. Eventually, I turned heel and speed-walked back to my room. 

It was a Tuesday. A Tuesday. I covered my face with a pillow since I knew it was weird to watch. Especially since I was gay. 

 

Levi was making out with some girl named “Zoë” after slamming his door on me. But still, a Tuesday? He broke routine? I pondered. Is it because I saved— I mean stopped him from jumping in front of the train? 

I spent the night trying to ignore the nagging in my head that just wanted me to think about Levi. I finally pulled my curtains together, which I honestly should have done to begin with, and tried to sleep.

It was at last Friday, and not accepting my coworker, Marco’s, offer to go out seemed wrong. 

We ended up at a club in our stiff work clothes, drinking beer at the bar. Other people, who worked at the same office, were doing shots, but I opted out in fear of a hangover and just plain drunkenness. One of the members of staff, Jean, who was also openly gay, eventually got me on the dance floor. 

We laughed and moved our hips side to side to the beat of the song. The flashing lights took over my brain for awhile, until I saw him out of the corner of my eye.

It was Levi, flirting with more girls. He was wearing a hoodie and jeans, the most casual I’d ever seen him. He had his hood on his head only halfway, so that his bangs stuck out. 

 

Adorable, I thought. It was funny seeing him around many people, because it really showed how tiny in stature he was. Jean, who usually couldn’t care less about me, noticed my sudden mood swing and tried to grab my waist.  
”Stop,” I shouted over the loud music. Jean was taken aback, but ceased his advances anyways and kept dancing on his own. 

Soon, Levi caught my eye. I tried to smile at him, because, honestly, I was just glad to see him alive. Instead of flicking me off or showing anything but gratitude, he started to make his way towards me. 

At first, I was surprised, but the stumbling I saw as he pushed his way through the crowd proved he was wasted and definitely not thinking straight. Literally.

“Aye!” he called, “It’s my cute neighbor, Eren!” I couldn’t help but laugh at his intoxicated state, as he slurred his words and fell into me, burying his face in my chest. His arms wrapped around my neck, like he wanted to slow dance.

”This isn’t you, Levi. At least, not from what I’ve seen,” I told him, trying to be loud enough over the music so he could hear me. 

”Dance with me!” he cried out, ignoring what I had just said. His gray eyes were sparkling with liveliness, free from his usually depressed aura. They almost seemed blue. 

I let him snuggle up close to me and flail around in an attempt to dance. His wild movements made his hood fall off the top of his head. Even though letting him gyrate all over me felt wrong, maybe he wouldn’t remember doing so tomorrow. We danced to three songs before he started to talk again. 

”I’m gonna puke,” he said, too quiet for me to make out at first. 

"Huh?" 

”I’m gonna puke!” he screamed it this time, doubling over and clutching his stomach. 

”Shit,” I mumbled to myself, not knowing what to do. “Hang on,” I commanded, putting my arms around his shoulder and leading him to the doorway that read ‘Bathrooms’. 

We stepped inside, and the pounding music became just a muffled tune with beats that resonated in my chest. 

I rushed him to a stall, which didn’t have a door. Or, at least, it used to and was somehow detached. He slumped over the toilet bowl and did exactly what he predicted, and I’m just glad it wasn’t on me. 

I moved behind him, trying to block out the sounds of him and other people hurling. I ran my fingers through his hair until I could hold all of his bangs back and keep his head from falling as well. 

”Oh shit,” I said under my breath. I could tell Levi was coming off the high of the alcohol and was about to realize he was just dancing and rubbing against me; rubbing against a guy. He probably would be disgusted, since he didn’t swing that way, at least while sober. 

I couldn’t dare leave him though, his head was so heavy he couldn’t even hold it up by himself anymore. 

”Eren?” I could just barely hear Jean’s voice call out for me from the hallway. 

"In here," I replied, waving my free hand out of the stall. 

”Whoa, who’s that?” Jean said, arriving behind me and staring at Levi. He was currently clutching the toilet like he knew he had more to throw up. 

”My neighbor,” I explained, wiping sweat off my face and kneeling down to be closer to Levi, who seemed like he might just collapse. 

"Need help?" Jean questioned, just his tone revealing it wasn’t even a sincere offer.

”No, no. I’m fine. I’m gonna take him home once he’s done.” Jean nodded, waving goodbye and exiting the bathroom. I stroked back Levi’s hair some more, kind of enjoying it. “You do need to be saved,” I whispered, “even if you can’t admit it.” 

I knew that my instant attraction for this man wasn’t just because he was so handsome, but rather because our personalities were so similar in some areas and so different in others. It made us clash in the good kind of way, like two different shades of black. 

While he finished up his puke-fest, I called a cab. I took him home to my place, since I couldn’t find his keys on him. Plus, if I didn’t hurry and get some water in his system, his hangover would be terrible. 

I laid him down on my bed, while he was drifting in and out of consciousness. Though most of his small body was muscle, it was surprisingly easy to carry him. 

"Where am I? Who are you?" he kept whispering, his eyes fighting to stay open. I got him water, trying hard to rehydrate him to prevent the situation from getting worse than it already was. 

When I finally got him to finish the first bottle, I left to get another. As I rose from the bed, I felt his bony fingers wrap around my wrist. 

"Take my pants off," he moaned. "Right now." 

"Huh?" I muttered, suddenly turned on. 

”I just pissed myself, so take my pants off. Please.” 

Oh, I was glad he wasn’t trying to seduce me at the the same time I was disappointed he wasn’t trying to seduce me. I nodded, swallowing my nerves and unbuttoning his pants. 

At age 21, I had still never gone “all the way” with a guy before, or even a girl, really. The whole reason I moved was so I could finally reinvent myself, become openly gay, and hopefully find a boyfriend. That was only two months ago. 

Now, while unzipping and sliding off the pants of the hottest guy I’d ever met, I couldn’t help but get flustered. 

Am I really gay? I wondered, regretting taking in the drunk Levi. Just like his jeans, his boxers briefs were black. I stared at them for a second. Yup, I’m gay.

"You should really wear some more colors," I said, trying to ease the awkwardness. 

"Fuck off," Levi grunted, throwing his hands up to rub his face. He seemed to be regaining himself. "What happened?" he asked, general concern in his voice.

”You drank a little too much.” 

"And who are you?" This disheartened me because he actually looked me up and down, and still couldn’t tell who I was. 

"Um, Eren." Levi’s mood changed and his hands moved from his face to his crotch within milliseconds. 

”Get away from me!” he demanded, probably loud enough for the neighbors to hear. 

"I’m sorry!" I cried, "I won’t hurt you, just please be quiet. It’s two in the morning."

Levi grabbed my blankets and threw them over himself while questioning me, “Am I in your house?” 

I nodded, realizing the effects of the alcohol were wearing off and he didn’t remember much of what happened at the club. 

I put up a finger to signal I’d be back, and brought him more water and an aspirin. “Take this and try and get some rest,” I said, handing him the only hangover cure I knew. 

”Oh,” he mumbled, finally calming down, “okay.” I gave him a quick smile as he downed the pill and finished by chugging the bottle. He’s so damn hot.

My eye’s fluttered open to see Levi leaned over the couch and staring down at me. I was startled, throwing up my hands to protect myself. I could tell it was morning, the rising sun hit his irises in a way that made them a crystal-like blue. His pale face was blanketed in the orange light, making him seem less washed-out than he actually was. 

I flinched as he moved his hand towards my face. But, instead of hurting me, his cold fingers caressed the bruise he had given me. I winced as he traced over the still painful part on my cheekbone. 

I finally looked at him and realized he was just wearing his boxers and my bed sheet over his bony shoulders to keep him warm. He was so delicate but so frightening, and I caught myself imagining pulling him on top of me. 

Wait, I remembered, he doesn’t like guys. 

As if on cue, he murmured, “I’m not straight,” He must have read my confused look. 

“Y-you aren’t?” His eyes widened, as if my reaction shocked him, and raised one of his thin eyebrows. 

“How could you not tell?” he asked, still keeping eye contact with me. I watched his blue-gray eyes scrutinize me. “Are you really that dense?” His voice was low, in both a deep and quiet way. It was almost calming, even though he had just insulted me. 

“Well, every weekend—,” my voice caught when I heard a key turn my lock.

“Huh?” Levi finally looked up from me as Mikasa walked in with grocery bags. Her eyes moved from the ground to the couch just in time to see our compromising position. She dropped what seemed to be baking ingredients on the floor in horror. 

“It’s not—,” Once again, I was cut off as she stormed over, shoving Levi off the back of the couch, where he was perched over me like a cat. I sat up and grabbed Mikasa, who was about to jump over me and onto him. “Nothing was happening!” I cried in desperation. Even though Levi needed some sense knocked into him, it was my fault we ended up like this, and I knew Mikasa was more than ready to fight someone. 

“Who is he?” Mikasa demanded, with clenched teeth. Her ebony hair was cut right above her shoulders, and and flew back and forth as she looked from me to him. 

“He’s just a neighbor, I swear,” I said, sitting up fully and restraining her by gripping her shoulders. She gave a nasty glare to Levi, who was collecting himself on the ground, not even trying to cover his exposed torso in the sheet that fell off him in the tumble. It’s like he didn’t care who saw his almost sickly pale body that was covered in tattoos and hickeys. 

He has no shame, I thought.Mikasa turned to me, and I could see the same look she would give me whenever I got in trouble in high school. 

“Those better not be from you,” she whispered, so Levi couldn’t hear. 

“Of course they aren’t.” I responded, knowing she was talking about his bruises. Though my sister understood I was gay, she couldn’t stand seeing me with anyone without getting protective; it didn’t really matter whether it was a guy or girl. 

She, much stronger than me, fought her way from my grip and stood up to collect the fallen groceries. “I’m giving whoever-the-hell-that-is five minutes to get out of here.” 

Levi clicked his tongue against his teeth in annoyance. 

Three terribly stubborn people in one room; I could practically feel the tension as I stood up from the couch. I had slept in my clothes, since I was too tired to change after helping drunken Levi to bed and washing his clothes.

Levi got up at the same time I did, and went into my room as if he memorized my apartment while I was asleep. I followed him, and went into the bathroom-slash-laundry room to get his stuff. 

I tossed it to him, and he bit his cheek, probably to keep from saying anything close to “thanks”. Finally, after staring at each other got too awkward, he broke the silence. 

“Goddamn, my head hurts,” he groaned, brushing his hand under the long hair and rubbing it on the undercut. 

“I bet,” was all I could say, sniffing and noting that the smell meant Mikasa was making coffee. I also took notice that Levi’s eyes had gone back to being cold and gray. Almost unloving. 

Suddenly, his words were in my mind again, creating more confusion. 

“So, you’re gay? After sex every week with a new woman?” I asked, trying to read his stance. I was terrible with body language. 

“Shut the fuck up,” he said, anger in his eyes. With a second look, that rage of his turned to fear. He turned his stare downwards, not daring to look at me for the first time since we met. 

He pivoted around, walking towards my dresser. He opened one drawer and sifted through it. He eventually pulled out one of my college sweatshirts, and slipped it on over his bare body. 

It almost made me laugh how big it was on him. Hell, it was even oversized on me, so it made him look like a tiny animal wearing human-sized clothes. 

“I’m leaving,” he mumbled, with his own clothing clutched close to his chest. Instead of just turning and going like he said, he paced towards me, his eyes melting back into blue right in front of me. His mad, I-could-care-less facade fell as he got closer, and my heart fluttered. 

“Thanks for saving me,” he breathed, looking up at me with his haunting, cadet-colored eyes. His voice was so quiet that I couldn’t really make it out at first, it was almost like an exhale of soft syllables. In time, my mind pieced it together.

When he saw me register it, he ignored my look of surprise and strode from my room. 

We were so close, my mind buzzed with happiness. My childish crush for him grew with each passing second. 

“You’re not wearing pants,” I could hear Mikasa tell him from the kitchenette.

“Suck my ass,” he replied coolly, without any hesitation. 

He just let me in…He just let me into his heart. A short, suicidal maniac, with no regard for anything but himself, just opened up right in front of me. I thought. For all the time he made my heart sink, that moment made up for it all.

I woke up from my nap to the smell of him, because I didn’t dare wash my sheets after he had stayed over. 

Am I being creepy? I asked myself. Yes, I answered myself too. 

Mikasa surprisingly didn’t question me any further on Levi after he left, and had baked me more cookies in silence.

Though all three of us were stubborn, they were in a scary way, and I was in a stupid way. That thought kept crossing my mind as I turned over in bed, inhaling his scent that lingered on my pillows. He smelled like bourbon and sage, which formed an uncommon, but wonderful fragrance. There was a hint of smoke and puke as well, which had come from our adventure at the club.

Why is he attractive? How is he so attractive? I wondered, squealing into the pillow like a fangirl. I didn’t want to get up, even though the day was well into afternoon.

My friend, Armin, had offered to come over and take care of me, once I told him about Levi. I explained everything besides the day with the train. 

I raised my hands over my head, looking at the palms. Tracing the lines with my eyes, I was brought back to that day. 

What if I didn’t move? I thought, What if, in an alternate universe, his family is planning his funeral right now? I shuddered, balling my hands and squeezing my eyes shut.

I looked at my digital clock that rested on my nightstand. It was already three in the afternoon. I wondered if Levi was out right now finding a girl for tonight. I was suddenly brought back to his words. “I’m not straight," 

“Why is this so confusing?” I yelled. In the chaos of my mind, I picked up my phone and called my blonde friend anyways. 

“Hello?” he answered.

“Hey, Armin? I’m taking you up on the offer of coming over,” I told him. 

“Sure, be right there.” He wasn’t even surprised, and I hung up when the other line went silent. 

He was always very reliable, and I wished I could pay him back for all the times he’d helped me. 

It only took fifteen minutes for a knock to sound at my door. I got out of bed, and unlocked it, letting Armin come in. He greeted me with a cheerful smile, which I couldn’t seem to match. 

“Okay,” he began, scanning my face, “you must be serious about him." 

“I think I am,” I mumbled, almost too scared to say it with certainty. 

“Do you think you’re the first person he’s come out to?” Armin asked, making himself at home by throwing himself onto my couch. 

“No, there must be a reason he tries so hard to hide it. Someone he knows must be against it,” I explained to him what I had been deducing in my own time. 

Armin pressed his lips together and nodded. We talked for the rest of the afternoon, and made sandwiches for dinner. Eventually, Armin had to leave to study, since he was still in college.

Once again bored, and my mind still full of questions for Levi, I went to my room and opened the curtains. The sight I got wasn’t at all what I expected. It wasn’t him and a girl— or even him and a guy— but rather, half his body hanging out the window. 

I had thought he was appreciative of me saving him, that he didn’t want to die anymore, but this proved otherwise.

His window was open all the way, and his legs were so far the only body parts hanging out. But, I knew exactly what he was going to do. 

“Shit,” I said, “shit, shit, shit!" I didn’t know how much time I had, but my mind favored the idea of going to his place rather than trying to convince to go back inside by yelling out my own window. This was probably because I knew how obstinate he would be, and physical force was all I could use against him right now. 

Every second felt like it’s own lifetime as I found myself racing to his apartment. My feet were hurting as they hit against the hard ground. I didn’t even dare waste time putting on a jacket and shoes. The cold weather I could deal with, especially when adrenaline was propelling me forward. Besides, I only had to be outside for less than a minute. 

When I finally made it to his door, my heart dropped as I realized he might have it locked. 

“Fuck,” I hissed, my hands shaking as they reached for the doorknob. “Please, please, please work,” I begged, flicking my wrist to see if it was locked. The doorknob turned with ease, and I pushed it open. 

Thank God, I thought. I sprinted to the door that must be his bedroom, since I could feel a cold breeze wafting from under it. 

“Levi!” I called, trying to push it open. I knew it was too good that he left the front door open, because this one was locked.

I rammed my shoulder into it, ignoring the pain that came with every crash. Finally, the door gave way and I rushed inside. The lights were all off, but I could see his silhouette standing in the window frame. His body was wobbling, and, for a second, I hesitated. 

He locked the door for a reason, I thought. Ignoring the nagging that told me to let him jump, I surged forwards and grabbed him around the waist, careful so as to not push him any further.

I heaved him backwards with me, and once again, we ended up on the ground together. I felt broken glass hit my arm after his bottle of liquor crashed against the hardwood floor and shattered. I didn’t know why hot tears sprung into my eyes, but it wasn’t because of the pain. 

“Levi,” was all I could muster at the moment, and I squeezed him tighter. His body wasn’t reacting to the situation at all, he was almost limp. 

The wind that was coming from the window sent chills down my spine. Eventually, my mouth was able to move, “Are you okay? You’re such a goddamn idiot,” I muttered in his ear. I wasn’t expecting him to reply, since he was so still and unresponsive. But, he did. 

“I knew you’d come. Fuckin’ Prince Charming,” he had an accent when he was drunk, I realized. It was the same as last night. 

I couldn’t see his face, but I pictured it filled with rage and ready to punch me again. I just want him alive. 

“How many times will it take? Please don’t do this to yourself,” I pleaded. “I know it’s weird, since we’ve only been neighbors for—,"

“It’s not weird,” his body finally shifts, and he spins around to face me. Now he’s in the position of power, and pins me down by grabbing my hands. After seeing him every week with a woman, I didn’t believe him when he admitted to being gay. But, as soon as his lips met mine, everything changed. 

I felt his pain move through his body to mine. When I finally recovered from the surprise and opened my mouth to deepen the kiss, he pulled back. 

“My dad,” he murmured, and my eyes— which were closed when kissed— opened to meet his. His attitude now contradicted the first few words out of his mouth. “My dad disowned me. I thought that if I found a girl and proved to him I wasn’t gay, he’d take me back.” He paused for a second, contemplating something. I could see his steely eyes dart around the room. But, finally, he looked back to me. 

“It feels so wrong, but I do it anyways. I thought it’d work... But then you came along.” Even though his tone was harsh, his eyes were still gentle, as they glanced over my face. They stopped on my cheek, where the bruise once was.

“When you moved in, and I first saw you… I couldn’t lie to myself anymore,” he admitted. Even though I only knew him for such a little time, I could tell everything he was doing right now was out of character. I wanted to reassure him that he didn’t need to be like this. 

“You don’t need to tell me, Levi. It’s okay if you want to keep quiet. I won’t tell anyone—,"

“That’s the thing, I don’t want it to be a secret anymore! I’m so sick of tryin’ to convince myself I’m someone else. I thought that maybe killing myself—,” he stopped talking for a second, uncertainty clouding his eyes. “I thought that if I died, maybe no one would have to know and my dad's company’s reputation could be spared.” 

At this point, I didn’t know what to say anymore, so I let him vent to me. He told me about growing up, knowing something about him was different, but hiding it behind a scary face and insulting words. All I could do was stare up at him, watch his eyes fill with dread when he mentioned his father, and try to understand. 

At first, it hurt when he said that he blamed me for his suicide attempts. But I had to remember that I also saved him both times. After a long time, I decided to speak. 

“We could maybe just close our curtains and never talk to each other again, if that would help you,” I offered.

“I don’t know why I’m falling for an idiot like you,” Levi was suddenly back to his old self, and he leaned in for an aggressive kiss. I kissed him back, not knowing what else to do. At some point, he pulled back for air. Panting, he said, “You’re so fucking dense."

My eyebrows drew together in confusion. What am I missing? I wondered. 

When Levi finally made out my confusion in the darkness, he sighed. “Eren,” he started, “You aren’t the problem, little shit. I’m falling in love with you."

He skillfully weaved his compliment with an insult. Since I did tend to miss social cues, I was now more mystified with his intentions. So my mind backtracked for a second, trying to wrap itself around the situation. Love. He said “love”. 

“Levi, I—,” He didn’t cut me off with another kiss, instead he let go of my wrists and stood up. The only reluctance I saw was when he swayed side to side, probably still unbalanced from hanging out the window. Other than that, everything that just happened seemed to vanish from his demeanor. 

He moved swiftly across the room, and turned on the lights. He was still wearing my sweatshirt, but a different pair of underwear. They were green, dark green, but still a different color than black and gray. That’s a nice change.

His thin frame was swallowed up by my sweatshirt, which was actually kind of attractive. I couldn’t take my eyes off him. 

“Alright,” he mumbled, staring hatefully at the mess we just made. Splintered glass was everywhere, and my hand had left blood on the floor. “This is awful."

“I’m sorry,” I apologized. He glanced at his hand, realizing he had been holding my bloodstained one when we kissed. He sighed and stomped to the bathroom, shooting me disgusted looks.

Clean freak? I wondered, as I heard the water start running. Besides me and the mess next to me, his room was perfectly tidy. There wasn’t a speck of dirt. 

“There are rags in kitchen, use them for the blood. You can just throw them away afterwards,” he calls from the bathroom. The mood change was drastic. As soon as the lights turned on, he went from drunk and emotional, to sober and hygienic. 

I winced as I got up, and shuffled off to find the rags he was talking about. As the adrenaline wore off, I could feel the pain in my hand and goosebumps as freezing cold air blew through his apartment. But the sensation that stood out most as I came off the high was the tingling in my lips. I lifted the hand that wasn’t injured to them as I walked, trying to figure out if it was because I had just kissed someone, or because I had just kissed him. 

I found the rags and went back to his room. He had a handkerchief covering his mouth as he sprayed the blood with some sort of cleaner. 

“Is your hand okay?” he asked, not even looking up from his work.

“I think it’ll be fine,” I replied. 

He pulled down the piece of cloth and smiled. I’d never seen him smile like that. “Good, I might need it later,” 

At first, this comment made me tilt my head in puzzlement, but I soon understood what he meant. 

“Um, I don’t really…” I trailed off, nerves kicking in. He seemed so adept at romance, while I couldn’t take a hint if it was right in front of me. 

“It was a joke, Eren.” 

“Oh,” I mumbled. “Ohh.” 

I gave him the rags, since he seemed to think I couldn’t clean it the right way. I then went back to the kitchen to get a broom. When I got back, Levi was lying next to the shattered glass moaning. 

“You’re a terrible drunk,” I laughed, as he writhed around. 

“Finish cleaning it, my head feels like shit,” he requested. Of course I did, even though he never said please. 

I tried to ignore the awkwardness between us, which was in result of making out and spilling secrets. But maybe he didn’t feel it, since he was pretty much wasted and had a reason to be acting on his impulses. 

I swept up the last of the glass and looked down at the floor. “It’s clean,” I told him. 

“Mhm,” he said. His eyes were scrunched closed in pain. 

Without even asking, I went to his bathroom to wash my hand. I opened the cabinet to see if there was an antiseptic, and instead found boxes of condoms.

My heart stopped for a second, and my virgin mind told me to leave as soon as I washed off the blood. But, I would have felt bad leaving Levi in pain, so I cleaned my arm and stood my ground.

My eyes squinted to scan the room, since he had turned off the lights while I was gone and my apartment building blocked any moonlight from coming in from outside. 

My gaze stopped on Levi’s shirtless body, taking in his thin, but also muscular torso. Even in the darkness, I could see every detail.

“I know I’m hot, you don’t need to stare,” he scolds, turning his head to look at me. He was originally gazing out the window, as if the view of my room was romantic. 

“Well, I...” I stammered, my heart beating faster than it was when I saved him. He sits up and starts to crawl towards me across the bed. I could barely see in this lighting, but his eyes had a sort of evil glow about them.

When he reached me, he slid one hand up my shirt, and the other rested on my shoulder. I pulled away, almost making him fall.

“I thought you liked me too?” he said, in a questioning tone. He wasn’t really hurt, though, probably aware how irresistible he looked. 

“Of course I do…” My head was spinning. 

I’m so not ready for this. Plus, he’s way out of my league. It’s probably just alcohol and pity controlling him. 

“I want you to be the one who finally shows my dad who his son really is,” he told me, his voice raspy. 

“Levi, you’re not thinking right now. Besides, I’m not ready for this kind of thing.” 

Ignoring me, he grabbed my shoulders and pulled me onto his bed. His strength was insane, considering his size. He hovered over me, his face and just everything about him leaving me breathless. Instead of doing whatever he originally planned, he rolled his eyes and flopped down next to me, making the bed frame squeak. 

“How old are you?” he asked. The romance that was in the air vanished. 

“Um, twenty-one.” 

“I’m twenty-eight.” Levi paused. “Do you realize we know nothing about each other?” 

“Yes, I do.” 

“Let’s just talk then. I’m not going to rape you or anything,” he explained, placing his hand on my chest. “Your heart is beating so fast, just calm down.”

He was right, it was beating like a jackhammer. His covetous face made me nervous. His advances made me nervous. Everything about him was too good for me. And I knew I didn’t want him to waste his life by jumping out his apartment’s window. 

“I’ll do whatever you want if you promise me something,” I whispered. He sits up, obviously interested in my offer. “Please never do something this stupid again. You call me the second you know you’ve had too much. Or whenever you’re feeling down.” 

“Wow, Eren. You almost sound like an adult,” Levi said, using his new knowledge of my age against me. He went silent for a moment. “Fine, it’s a deal.” 

I braced myself for his cold hands on my body again, but nothing happened. 

“Huh?” 

“What I want is you to kiss me.” he explained. “Only if you really feel something between us. I won’t force you.”

Earlier, he said he’d fallen for me. Is that true? Do I love him back? I almost laughed at myself. Of course not, we barely know the first thing about each other.

“I want you to kiss me and tell me everything I need to know,” he interrupted my thoughts by clarifying further. 

Without warning him, I used my arms to push myself upwards. I let my face lower to his, breathing him in for a second. Not wasting any more time, I engaged in a sloppy, but passionate, kiss.

I do feel something between us. I could fall for this guy every time our eyes meet, I thought, as I let my hands run through his dark hair, rubbing my fingers on his undercut. Instead of being shy and saying nothing, an urge to be spontaneous rushed through me, “I’ve been wanting to do that since I first saw you,” I told him. 

He huffed, actually letting his lips curl up into a smile for once. Maybe being passionately impulsive with him was a good thing. 

We stared at each other through the darkness for awhile. Levi finally took action and grabbed the back of my head. He pulled me into him, his bony fingers kneading into my nape. 

We kissed until we couldn’t breathe, and had to wrench ourselves away from each other. 

“I’ll never do it again,” Levi whispered, now on top of me. 

“What?” I murmured, turning my head to break our gaze and look out his still-open window.

“Try and kill myself, idiot.” He rolled his eyes again and dropped onto me. It was heavy at first, but eventually I got used to it. 

“I’m sorry I stopped you,” I said, still regretful after what Mr. Pixis had told me.

“Are you fuckin’ stupid?” he demanded. I could still smell the alcohol on his breath. 

“I’m glad you stopped me. I would have never been able to make out with you if you hadn't. As long as I can be with you, Eren, I’m staying alive.” 

I didn’t feel comfortable laughing, but I wanted to, since I thought he was joking. But as soon as I started to chuckle, he struck my chest with his fist. 

“I open up to you and you laugh?” 

This made me laugh harder, but I tried to apologize, “I’m— hah— sorry, Levi. Haha!” 

“Seriously, why the hell are you laughing?” Levi said, rolling off me so I could finally breathe. “Hey, you still need to tell me your life story.” He’d shoved his hips into my crotch, so that we were almost spooning. 

His narrows shoulders were right in front of me, and I didn’t waste the opportunity. I laced kisses across his pale skin, but he swatted me away.

“Oi, I thought we were done with that! Just enlighten me, already.” 

“Fine,” I grumbled, toying with strands of his hair while explaining my life up until I found myself spying on my neighbor as he had sex with beards. He was silent the whole time, listening intently. 

“Okay, I’m not one to hold back,” he started, once I had finished, “So I’m just gonna say it: You’re so bland,” He went quiet, then turned to face me. “And I think I love you.”


End file.
